Harry Potter: Trapped in the Water Closet
by Alice Dodgson
Summary: Harry realizes that he is in love with Snape when he catches the Potions Master on the toilet. A parody of Snarry fics, as well as various other fanfiction cliches.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters contained in this story. In fact, I wrote to this to poke fun at certain fanfiction authors who act as though they _do_ own the Harry Potter novels and can therefore rape canon as much as they want to.

The title of the story is a parody of the title of a South Park episode, "Trapped in the Closet," by Trey Parker and Matt Stone --- in which, we all remember, "Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet." I thought that the pun on "water closet" and the homosexual implications were too perfect to pass up, since this story details with a bathroom and Harry falling in love with Snape. More author's notes and explanations at the bottom of the chapter.

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**Harry Potter: Trapped in the Water Closet**

Chapter 1**  
**

Harry Potter woke up one morning in his seventh year with a sensation similar to an anvil being pressed against his bladder. Suddenly realizing that the three glasses of pumpkin juice he'd consumed before going to bed were taking their toll on his digestive system, he sprinted to the bathroom he shared with the other Gryiffindor boys --- but to his dismay, the door was quite locked.

"Hey!" he shouted, pounding on the door with his fist. "Whoever's in there hurry up, I really have to take a leak!"

"Sorry, mate," Seamus Finnigan's voice called from inside the bathroom. "I'm making a deposit to the porcelain bank. It's not a job I can rush."

Harry groaned, knowing that someone would have to cast a powerful fragrance charm in there once Seamus was finished. He was also aware that the Irishman was notorious for taking what seemed like years in the loo; there was no way in hell that Harry could hold it in for that long. As he stood there doing "the dance," he desperately tried to figure out what to do. The potted plant that sat on Neville's nightstand was starting to look really inviting, when suddenly it occurred to him: why didn't he just apparate to one of the other bathrooms in the castle? Never had he felt so full of determination, deliberation or in need of being in a specific destination than he did right then. Closing his eyes, he summoned a vision of the first bathroom that came to mind --- the one right next to the Potions classroom, since that was his first class that day --- and, after a moment of hard concentration, he disappeared with a _pop._

When he reappeared again, he found that he had been a bit too specific of his destination. For not only was he in the bathroom in the dungeons, but he was actually inside one of the small, cramped stalls --- and in front of him sat Professor Snape, who was himself making a deposit at the porcelain bank.

Snape immediately dropped the issue of "Wizard Weekly" magazine that he'd apparently been reading, and it fell to his feet near where his underpants sat limply around his ankles. His robes were hiked up to his knees like a skirt, giving Harry a glimpse of a couple of pale, thin legs covered in dark hair. If Harry hadn't been so shocked and horrified, he might have laughed…but as it was, he pissed himself instead.

The expression on Snape's face at that moment was unforgettable; it trumped all the other nasty looks he had ever given Harry before in the seven years that the boy had been at Hogwarts. Snape looked, in fact, as though he believed that Harry's "little accident" was something the boy had done on purpose to add insult to injury and embarrass him further.

"POTTER!" the professor roared. "THIS IS THE WORST - THE MOST ARROGANT - STUNT YOU'VE PULLED YET---"

"N-n-no, sir, I didn't mean to," Harry stuttered, "honest, I just really had to pee, and---"

"EIGHTY-TWELVE POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" And suddenly Snape's wand was in his hand, and he performed a voiceless incantation that sent Harry flying backwards out of the stall, breaking the door in the process. Harry lay on the cold stone floor for only a split second before realizing that the same magic that got him into this mess would get him out, so he immediately apparated back to the Gryffindor boys' dormitory. The last thing he saw before his body left the bathroom was the Potions master still glaring at him from his perch on the toilet.

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**A/N:** I came up with the idea for this story out of nowhere yesterday, when it suddenly occurred to me that it could be quite funny if someone apparated into a public bathroom when someone was already using it. (What can I say; I possess an odd sense of humor.) I had already written the first chapter when I remembered that apparition is impossible in Hogwarts, so I decided to make this fact another part of the story. Somehow, it evolved into a parody of Harry/Snape stories and several other fanon things that I find silly.

This is my first attempt at a humor/parody fic; I've only ever written romance/drama fanfics before, and I've found that writing humor is much harder. So if you don't think that this is funny, or if you think some parts of it are less funny than others, please feel free to let me know in your review and tell me how you think I could make this better! However, please remember that constructive criticism is preferable to flames; I'm much less likely to listen to you if you just write, "This sucks, you're a horrible writer, never write again."

The story is already complete except for the very end of the last chapter. Hopefully, the last chapter will be up as soon as possible. Hope you enjoy the fic!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"…And then when I was back in the dorm, Seamus had _just_ flushed the toilet and was walking out of the bathroom, and he took one look at me and of course right away he saw the stain on the crotch of my pyjama pants, and said, 'Mate, you did _not_ just piss yourself, did you?'…"

Ron bent back laughing at Harry's story, nearly toppling over the armchair in which he sat in the Gryffindor common room later that afternoon. Just then Hermione walked in, and she raised a curious eyebrow at her friends.

"What on earth are you boys in hysterics about?" she inquired, taking a seat next to them. Ron tried to respond, but he was still laughing so hard that it took several attempts before he could finally get it out:

"Harry --- walked in --- on _Snape ---_ sitting on the john ---" And then Ron's face turned red and he was once again unable to speak. Hermione's jaw dropped.

"You've got to be joking."

"I wish," Harry said, grimacing. "Actually, Ron's laughing too hard to tell you the story properly --- I didn't actually _walk in_ on Snape, it so happened that I woke up having to pee really badly so I apparated to the bathroom in the dungeons---"

Hermione let out an incredulous chortle. "Now I _know_ you're joking. You know it's impossible to apparate inside Hogwarts, Harry, I've told you and Ron a thousand times…what are you looking at me like that for?"

Harry was frozen in astonishment. Hermione was right --- apparition _was_ supposed to be impossible at Hogwarts, and she wasn't the only one who had told him so. He'd forgotten this fact that morning when he'd been so desperate to relieve himself that he simply tried the first thing that came to mind. He'd certainly apparated, but how had it worked?

"Hermione, I know you don't believe me," he said slowly, "but I really did apparate today. In fact, I did it twice."

"Nonsense! The only time that's even remotely possible is during apparition lessons, and someone has to temporarily lift the magical ban to do that," she scoffed.

"Well, someone must have lifted it then, because why in the world would I make a story like that up? I don't know what it could mean, except…" Harry froze again, a dazed look passing over his face. "I'm in love with Snape."

Now, both Ron (who, until that moment, had still been giggling) and Hermione were silent. After a few moments, Ron said, "Come on, Harry, that's just sick."

"No!" Harry cried, his emerald eyes wide and full of a love-struck glimmer. "I just…I never realized it before…until I saw him, sitting there so vulnerable before me…it must have been fate that allowed me to apparate into his stall this morning, so that I could realize that…Severus Snape is my soulmate."

His two friends exchanged extremely worried glances. "Um, Ron," Hermione said nervously, "d'you think that anyone could have…slipped him a love potion?"

"Probably more like a batshit-insane, really-twisted-sense-of-humor potion," Ron replied. "Harry, you're not in love with Snape, he's…fucking _Snape_!"

"See, I knew you two would be homophobic about it!" Harry said indignantly. "Just because I've fallen in love with a man, you think that my love is somehow inferior, but it's not, it's just as pure and beautiful as anyone else's!---"

"Harry, you moron, half the gay kids at Hogwarts came out to _me_ first," Hermione interrupted in an annoyed tone of voice. "We're not homophobic! We don't care if you like blokes! It really is that…well…like Ron said, that it's fucking _Snape._"

"You're the one who always said that he wasn't so bad!" Harry argued. "And _is_ he really, after all? You have to admit that he's _gorgeous_..."

"He has a hook nose, and teeth yellower than the Hufflepuff common room," Ron broke in, his face etched with disbelief.

"…with such long, silky black hair…"

"Um, Harry, his hair is definitely _greasy_, not silky," said Hermione, "I don't know how you can confuse the two, especially when our papers come back to us with grease stains on them…"

"…and he's _so_ intelligent, and he has the most wonderful, snarkiest wit…:"

"Like that time he said he 'saw no difference' when Malfoy hexed my front teeth?" Hermione said darkly, shooting Harry the Look Of Death.

"Well, okay, that was kinda mean, but other than that…"

"And when he was a complete prick to you starting on our first ever Potions class," Ron pointed out, "and all the times he was a shit to Neville, and all the times he was horrible to you just because you're the Boy Who Lived, and unfairly docked all those house points from Gryffindor, and called your father arrogant, and called your mother a mudblood…"

"And tried to get the Dementors to give your godfather the Kiss," Hermione continued, "and let it slip that our best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a werewolf so that he had to resign, and hurled a jar of beetles at your head when he threw you out of your Occlumency lessons, and may have been partially responsible for Sirius's death…"

"Not to mention the fact that he told You-Know-Who about the prophesy involving you and your parents, thereby indirectly causing _their _deaths --- and last year, didn't he _kill_ Dumbledore?" Ron said, looking as though he had just now remembered this fact.

"Oh, yeah, speaking of which, why is Snape still teaching here when he's wanted for murder?" Hermione asked, looking extremely confused. "Shouldn't he be in hiding or in Azkaban for Avada Kedravra-ing one of the most beloved wizards in Britain?"

"And what the hell are we still doing here at Hogwarts in our seventh year --- shouldn't we be looking for Horcruxes?" Ron asked. Both he and Hermione suddenly had the odd feeling that they had been unwittingly thrown into some absurd alternative universe, created by a fourteen year old fangirl who had no clue what gay sex was like yet still insisted on writing slash. But that made even less sense than any of the other strange things that were going on that day, so they shivered and tried to brush away the eerie feeling.

Harry, meanwhile, remained stubborn (although a better term would perhaps be delusional). "Horcruxes, Schmorcruxes!" he cried, silencing his friends with a nonchalant wave of his hand. "Going on a scavenger hunt for Voldemort's toys is nowhere near as important as me falling in love and engaging in hot man-on-man action. And I don't want to hear another word against my Sev. I know he's really sweet and affectionate at heart; you just haven't gotten to know him well enough! Think of how much nicer he's become just this year!"

"This morning he sent you flying through the door of a bathroom stall," Ron said. "I think we can say for certain that Snape is just as Snape-y as ever."

Harry just starred off into the flames of the fire with a dreamy expression on his face, and started singing a tune under his breath --- Hermione and Ron couldn't quite make out the words, but they sounded suspiciously like "Sevvy Is My Prince."

"Oh God, Ron," Hermione said, mortified. "This is _bad._"

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A/N: The reason why this story makes fun of the Harry/Snape (a.k.a. "Snarry") ship is, honestly, because I dislike that pairing. For some reason, it just really squicks me (which has nothing to do with the fact that it's slash; I am pro-gay rights and I write slash myself!). On top of that, I think it's pretty implausible, since in order to make Snape someone that Harry would fall in love with, he has to be written horribly OOC. This is one of the reasons why I'm not as much a fan of Hermione/Snape as I once was. 

But I have a good friend who reads Snarry and I don't think that fans of that pairing are stupid…just maybe a little misguided. (Kidding!) I know that a lot of the pairings I'm a fan of probably squick other people, and I wrote this story for fun, not to actually demean anyone else's personal tastes. The same goes for all the other fanon things I parody in this fic, which include mpreg and Severitis. To each his own…but that doesn't mean that I can't make fun of it. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Ron and Hermione were still trying to convince Harry of Snape's unworthiness to be loved (this time, using sock puppets to act out all his evil deeds) when Ginny walked into the common room.

"'Sup, bitches!" the saucy redhead greeted them. Then, noticing the oddness of the scene before her, she asked, "What's going on?"

Ron set down his Snape puppet (onto which he'd Spello-taped a paper speech balloon that read "I am Snape, the Potions master"), and eyed his sister. "It's kind of weird, Ginny…I, er, don't know how we can possibly explain it, _and_ make you believe us."

"Oh really? Try me," she shot back, putting her hands on her hips and flipping her long red hair over her shoulder.

"Well, okay…" Ron began hesitantly, then said in a rush, "Harry saw Snape on the john this morning when he somehow apparated into the dungeon's bathroom even though apparition is supposed to be impossible inside Hogwarts and then he wet his pyjama pants and Snape hurled him out of the stall and now for some reason Harry is convinced that this means that Snape is his soulmate even though we all know that Snape is an ugly greasy bastard who is responsible for Harry's parents' deaths and maybe Sirius' too and oh yeah, he also killed Dumbledore."

Ginny simply stared.

"We can act it out with our puppets if you're confused," Hermione offered, holding up a limp Dead Dumbledore puppet whose face had been drawn with a protruding tongue and X's for eyes.

"No, that's okay --- I, um, think I get it," Ginny said. She then turned to Harry and said, "Harry, are you sure you're in love with Professor Snape? Because, frankly, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Love doesn't have to make sense!" Harry exclaimed angrily. "Sometimes opposites attract! Haven't you guys ever seen _When Harry Met Sally_? _French Kiss_? _You've Got Mail_? Whenever two people start out hating each other, they always end up falling in love with each other!"

"You actually take those silly romantic comedies seriously?" Hermione said in disgust. "And when did you see all those movies, anyway --- is your Aunt Petunia some kind of crazy Meg Ryan fan?"

"No, that would be Uncle Vernon," Harry replied.

His friends chose to ignore this comment, and Ginny continued, "But Harry, you broke up with _me_ last June at Dumbledore's funeral because you said that you were afraid that Voldemort would go after everyone you love. How can you turn around and fall in love with someone else? Did I mean nothing to you?" Her brown eyes began to fill with tears --- but then suddenly they widened as if an idea had struck her.

"Unless…" she said slowly, "unless you're only _pretending_ to be in love with Snape in the hopes that Voldemort will kill him, thereby seeking your revenge for Dumbledore's death, and then you can kill Voldemort…oh my God, that's it, isn't it?" Her face full of hope, she flung her arms around Harry and wrapped him in the tightest hug her small arms could muster.

However, Harry shook her off as if she were the Giant Squid trying to stick its tentacles in places We Shall Not Name, and turned around and started walking out of the common room.

"Where are you going?" Hermione, Ginny and Ron all called after him.

"I'm going to tell my Sev that I love him," Harry replied proudly, as if he were a knight about to embark on a heroic mission to slay a dragon. His three friends looked at one another, shrugged, and then followed him out of the Gryffindor common room. Things could only get even more interesting from here.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Finding Snape was fairly easy, considering that when he wasn't teaching a class he was almost certainly in his office located in the dungeons (which was, in fact, only a few feet from the bathroom where Harry had caught him doing the Royal Squat). As soon as the four Gryffindors entered his office, where he sat at his desk grading papers, his face contorted in an expression only slightly less menacing than the one he had given Harry earlier that morning.

"YOU!" he snarled, standing up out of his chair and pointing a bony white finger at Harry. "What in the name of Salazar Slytherin are you and your idiotic friends doing here? I expect you hoped this time to walk in on me wanking off to some house elf bondage porn? Well, I'm afraid that if you wished to further humiliate me, you're out of luck. I want you to stay far, far away from me!"

"As much as I find the idea of house elf bondage porn exciting, that's not why I'm here, Severus," Harry said seductively. He leaned over his professor's desk, putting his face only inches away from Snape's. "And I know you don't actually want me to stay away from you, because you realize that we're meant to be together."

"Wha---WHAT?" Snape sputtered, sending flecks of saliva right in Harry's face. Harry merely smiled, wiped the spit off with his sleeve and went on,

"Sev, the fact that I was able to apparate into your bathroom stall this morning, even though it's supposed to be impossible, has to mean something! It must be fate! Surely you must be as aware as I am that we're soul mates?"

"Potter, as much as I feel like an ass for even dignifying that preposterous question with a response," Snape said, his lip curling in disgust, "rest assured that we are _not_ soul mates, and that we are still, happily, mortal enemies. You were able to apparate today because Headmistress McGonagall lifted the magical guard against apparition in Hogwarts. The sixth years are having apparition lessons early this year, and those lessons started, in fact, today. Now, leave my office --- and stop calling me Sev!"

"See, Harry," Hermione cried, pulling on Harry's arm, "that explains everything. It was just a coincidence. Let's go!"

"But I don't care!" Harry exclaimed, grabbing the front of Snape's robes with melodramatic passion. "I don't care, because I've already fallen in love with you! I want to marry you, and have your babies…"

Snape stared at Harry. "Did you just say _have my babies_?" he asked incredulously, the corners of his mouth beginning to twitch. "And how, exactly, do you think such an absurd thing would be possible?"

"I know you must have some potion that will let me grow a temporary uterus or something," Harry said excitedly. "This is the wizarding world, so if male pregnancy is possible anywhere, it must be here. I wouldn't be surprised if the power of our love alone allowed me to become pregnant, without a potion. Love can accomplish _anything_!"

That was when Professor Severus Snape lost it. He collapsed back into his chair, rested his forehead on his desk, and let out the most maniacal peals of laughter that any of the young Gryffindors had ever heard. Although they couldn't be certain, because his voice shook so much from laughing, it sounded as though between cackles he was saying the words "temporary uterus" over and over again.

Finally, he lifted his head again, wiped the tears from his black eyes, and choked out, "I may despise you just as much as ever, Potter, but I do respect you a bit more now --- if for no other reason than you have given me the best laugh I've ever had. A potion that grows temporary reproductive organs? You being willing to get knocked up with _my_ spawn? Seriously, that was some funny shit."

"C'mon, Sev, I'm serious!" Harry pleaded. It was now clear that he was not as confident as he had been before that he and the Potions master were destined for Twu Wuv. "There must have been times when you were attracted to me…maybe even hinted as much to the late Headmaster Dumbledore…and Dumbledore was such a kind, understanding, non-judgmental man that I'm sure he probably encouraged you to confess your love to me…"

"Potter, now you're taking this joke too far!" Snape retorted, his face now dark again. "I have _never_ been attracted to you, nor have I ever intimated any such thing to Dumbledore. And the late Headmaster might have been a barmy old codger, but to suggest that he would _encourage_ a thirty-five-year-old teacher to sexually pursue an underage student is just repulsive. We are not members of NAMBLA!"

"But…but…but I _love_ you!" Harry burst out. "We're _supposed_ to be together! There must have been some prophesy made about us…let's get Professor Trelawney in here, I know she could prove it…"

Needless to say, no one made a move to retrieve Sybil Trelawney.

"Love is supposed to conquer all!" Harry cried desperately. "You know, _amor vincit omnia_! _In vino veritas_! _Visne saltare, viam Latam Fungosam scio_!---"

"POTTER!" Snape barked, silencing him. He then signed, and continued, "Harry, we are _not_ 'meant to be together,' and I have some information that may finally convince you of this."

"What's that?" Harry grumbled, his eyes cast to the floor, looking merely pouty as opposed to heartbroken.

"You see…" Snape hesitated for a few moments, and then said dramatically, "Harry, you're my son!"

Now it was Harry's turn to stare at Snape with a stunned look on his face. The only sound in the room was that of crickets chirping in the background. (Snape kept a jar of crickets in his storeroom for Filch, as they were one of the main ingredients in a potion that cured erectile dysfunction.) And then…

"YOU SHAGGED MY MUM!" Harry raged. "YOU REVOLTING, SLIMY GIT OF AN OVERGROWN BAT---"

While Harry was teaming with fury, Ron, Hermione and Ginny broke into wide grins and rejoiced that normal, Snape-hating, emo Harry was back. But Snape silenced them all with a wave of his hand, and said,

"Now, now, Harry, don't jump to conclusions. Although I _am_ your biological father, I did not shag your mother."

"How is that possible!" Harry shouted. "Don't tell me that male pregnancy isn't possible in the wizarding world but artificial insemination still is!"

"Of course it is, what kind of logic is that? Oh, I forgot, you're a Gryffindor --- you lot don't _use_ logic," Snape said nastily. "But anyway, I'm sure you are wondering why your parents needed _me_ to impregnate your mother when they were 'so in love.'" He spoke those last three words in a whiny, mocking voice. "How can I put this delicately?…Well, let's just say that your parents were in need of my 'little soldiers' because your father --- excuse me, James --- 'shot blanks,' if you know what I mean…"

Hermione, Ginny and Ron now had to restrain Harry from rushing over to the desk and pulling off the oily head of the man to whom he had, only minutes ago, been proclaiming his undying love. Ignoring Harry's sudden display of violence, Snape went on in a bored voice,

"Any-who, the reason you look so much like James is because a spell was cast on you when you were born that would make you resemble him, yada yada yada, it doesn't make much sense either, but there you go. And the spell dissolves when you find out your true parentage, so you should go back to the way you _really_ look in about, oh…" He yawned and looked down at his watch. "Five…four…three…two…one…"

With a blinding flash of light, the Harry Potter they had all known reverted from looking like a clone of James Potter to a clone of Severus Snape, complete with pasty skin, long greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and yellowish teeth. But he retained his lightening bolt shaped scar, and his mother's green eyes --- because apparently the only gene that Lily Evans Potter was capable of passing onto her children, no matter who she mated with, was her eye color.

Once the transformation was complete, Harry walked towards the full-length mirror in the corner of Snape's office, and gaped at his reflection. Everyone kept quiet as they anticipated his reaction. Hermione was thinking that it all reminded her very much of that awful Muggle reality show called _The Swan_, and half expected Harry to put his hands to his face and weep, "_I'm so beautiful_!", when Harry finally opened his mouth.

"Dammit, I'm _fugly_," he whined. Adjusting his round-framed glasses, he added, "I look like John Lennon after he'd gotten punched in the face and gone a month without sunshine or a shower. Who's going to want to fall in love with me now?" He then turned to Snape and asked accusingly, "And who am _I_ going to fall in love with, now that I know you're my dad?"

Snape didn't have time to respond, because at that moment a familiar pair of voices became audible from down the hall. The echoing acoustics of the dungeons made their words perfectly clear to Snape, Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny:

"So Dad, after we all get the Dark Mark, can Crabbe and Goyle and I go to Knockturn Alley and get a lap dance from a mudblood stripper?"

"Now, Draco, although I do think that you will have more than deserved some kind of congratulatory gift for officially entering into the service of the Dark Lord, your mother would be furious if she found out! I'm afraid she doesn't understand our fondness for taking sexual advantage of mudbloods. How would you like a pimp cane similar to mine instead? I can order one specially for you from Borgin & Burkes, and I assure you that the Malfoy pimp cane brings _all_ the ladies to the yard."

Harry's eyes immediately lit up again. "_Jackpot_," he whispered, grinning. Frolicking out of Snape's office towards his next unlikely romantic prospects, he said, "You know, I never realized I liked _blond_ gits before…"

* * *

**A/N:** So that's the end, guys. Thanks for reading, and I hope you liked it!

Just a few more acknowledgements before I sign off completely:

The "temporary uterus" thing I made fun of in this chapter comes from a hilariously bad Lucius/Remus mpreg fic, in which Lucius obtains a temporary uterus so that he can have Lupin's child; tragically, he loses the baby when an injury causes this temporary uterus to be dissolved into this body.

Harry's idea that Dumbledore encouraged Snape to pursue a relationship with the underage Harry comes from the jillions of Snarry fics I've read where this happens. Snape's thoughts on this plot device in my parody are basically my own.

Finally, these are the translations of the three phrases that Harry says in Latin:

_Amor vincit omnia _ "Love conquers all."

_In vino veritas _ "In wine is truth."

_Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio_ "Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway."


End file.
